Harold: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should. Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie? Kumar: Congratu-fuckin'-lations! Kumar: [from inside a heating duct at the police station, where Harold is in jail] Rold? Is that you? Harold: Kumar? Kumar: Hey, are the cops still here? [cops left moments earlier to check out a shooting in Millbrook Park] Harold: What the hell are you doing? Kumar: I just called and made up some story about a shooting in Millbrook Park. Harold: Jesus Christ! What'd you do that for? Kumar: I'm fucking starving! I figured I'd bust you out and we'd go get some burgers. Kumar: [sniffs] Hey, what's that smell? Harold: What smell? Kumar... Kumar: [starts sniffing like a crazed bloodhound, and then sees a huge bag of marijuana, his eyes widen] Harold: Hey Kumar! Kumar! Where are you... [Kumar rushes to the bag of marijuana] Harold: Kumar! Still in jail, asshole! Come here! Officer Martone: [notices the jail door keys in the jail door, and Jackson sitting inside the cell reading a book] Hey, Jackson's trying to escape! Tarik: What are you talking about? I'm just sitting here. Officer Reilly: He's trying to break free! Get him! Tarik: Aw, shit. [gets up and spread eagles on the cell wall, while still holding the book in one hand] Officer Martone: Don't move. Stop resisting! We need back up now! He's got a gun! Tarik: That's not a gun, that's a book. Officer Reilly: Secure the book! Officer Palumbo: Book is secure. You bring this filth [book is on human rights] Officer Palumbo: in here? What is this shit? Harold: I want that. Kumar:
What? A Hot Dog Heaven super chili cheese dog?
Harold: No. I want that feeling. The feeling that comes over a man when he gets exactly what he desires. I need that feeling! Kumar: Are you saying what I think you're saying? Harold: We gotta go to White Castle. Kumar: YES! YES! I knew you had it in you dude! Kumar: Thank you, come again Harold: Doog, where's my car? Kumar: Where's his car, dude? Harold: Did Doogie Houser just steal my fucking car? Kumar: Do you know what the hell we had to go through after you took the car? Neil Patrick Harris: Yeah, it was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for your meal. Neil Patrick Harris: [looks down to count money] Here's 80 for the meal, and 200 for the car Harold: What did you do to my car? Neil Patrick Harris: I made some love stains in the back. You'll see... Kumar: [walks up to a bush and starts peeing] Ahh. [Creepy Guy walks up out of nowhere and starts peeing right next to him] Kumar: 'Scuse me, I just... Creepy Guy: Huh? Kumar: I have to ask you, why'd you... wha... wha... why are you peeing... right here? Creepy Guy: What? Kumar: I mean... why'd you pee right next to me when you could like, choose that bush, or... Creepy Guy: Well, this bush looked like I should pee on it. Why are you peeing on it? Kumar: Well, no one was here when I chose this bush. Creepy Guy: Oh, so you get to pee on it and no one else does? Huh? Kumar: No, it's just... I just... Creepy Guy: This your bush? You have a special bond with this bush? Kumar: No, I just thought that... Creepy Guy: You the king of the forest? Kumar: I'm sorry? Creepy Guy: What? Creepy Guy: You fuckin' tree-hugger. IS THIS YOUR SPECIAL BUSH? Kumar: Never mind. Forget it, I really don't feel like gettin' stabbed tonight. [they pee in silence for a bit] Creepy Guy: [quietly] Nice pubes. Kumar: [pauses, creeped out] Thanks. Male Nurse: [wiping Kumar's lips with a little too much admiration] Soft, chocolate lips... Harold: [yelling] How is that not the worse news? Kumar: [calmly]
The laptop situation really only affects you, whereas the White Castle situation affects us both equally.